March 29, 2012

Tonight I went to a church event where a musical play was performed. It was bittersweet. I used to be the one running musical events at my church, directing the choirs, organizing musical performances. A couple of years ago I had to un-volunteer for all those jobs because of my health. I had been asked, begged even, to be the musical director or an actor for this play tonight. But I had to turn them down, again. The performance was nice. It didn't hit me until I was walking out into the parking lot, or rather limping out, when people were asking me if I had hurt my ankle or something and I had to blame rheumatism once again for my wobbliness. And when it did hit me it made me sad. As a once active leader in these types of productions I've succumb to the new pace of life I must lead. I'm weak, slow, unsteady, and sickly. This is my new reality. It's my new way of life. Just when I thought I had accepted where I'm at a reminder is presented of the lifestyle I used to have and the tears come.

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