March 03, 2011

I call it "go mode", when I have to get a lot done at super speed. I used to be pretty fast when I needed to be but I don't have "go mode" anymore. I can't just tell my body to move fast and it's killing me. When my house is a mess and someone calls and says they'll be there in 30 minutes, I don't have that super speed to help me. Instead I clean one room and have to apologize for the rest of the mess. I hate making apologies. I am moving so much better on the Embrel but I'm not myself yet. I still have constant pain, especially when I try to do things fast.

I've cut back everything I can think of, all my extra activities. We're down to just the bare bones now, my work and my family. Last year I was directing church and school choir programs and volunteering all over the place. The only thing that's left is to cut down on my work or stop teaching altogether. I can't deny I've thought about it.  But, it would mean losing my home. It is so expensive to be a home owner in California that it takes two incomes for us to do it. Sometimes I hurt so bad that I don't care about my home at all. It's too much work anyway, I tell myself.

I've relied on "go mode" my whole life to get things done. Now, I have to take the tortoise route...slow and steady. I'm being forced to give up on perfection and speed. I have to choose what's important in my day and my life and re-invent the way I get things done.

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